Pop the Top

"Mom, what's for dinner?"

"I don't know. Why not look in the pantry for a sandwich?"

If only it were that easy...well, now it is! Who wants to mess with all that bread, taking out a knife, spreading the peanut butter, licking off the knife, then spreading the jelly, slapping the bread together. Ugh, so many steps! Now, it's just a matter of pulling the pop top, and poof! Sandwich time! Why, Mom will be positively obsolete!

Of course, you still have to chew it, but maybe a premasticated version of Candwich will be available soon. So why just have a sandwich, when you could have a Candwich?

(Thanks to Tom C. for this submission.)

The Final Solution

Snoring can be caused by any number of things: sleep apnea, a deviated septum, obesity, sinus problems, you name it. But I bet you never thought the answer was right in your underwear drawer. That's right, all you need is a thong on your chin, and you will sleep like a baby, or maybe like a satisfied panty sniffer after a happy ending.

Forget that uncomfortable C-PAP machine! Throw away your Breathe Right strips! Cancel that rhinoplasty! Drop your panties, hook them on your ears, and get ready for a quiet and restful night's sleep.

But don't order yours today for $89.97. Victoria's Secret has the same thing right now, 5 for $25. Some to wear, some to share. Sleep tight!

Squeaking or Stuffing?

Why would a dog want to play with a stuffing-free toy? Isn't that the fun? Ripping its innards out? Isn't that like finally knocking a hole in a pinata and finding no candy? If they aren't going to stuff it, the least they could do is make it smell like a dead animal.

On the plus side, it does come with two squeakers, so it is "double the fun!" Flippy fox and Rascally Raccoon can be played with inside or out, since they are machine washable. Watch Mom freak out when she pulls the wet load out of the tub!

At only ten bucks, it's practically free. Not as free as destroying one of the thousands of stuffed animals already in your home, but close enough.

Because You Give A Crap

When you look at a baby all sweet, dressed in pink, do you think breast cancer? Well, now you do! Seriously, why picture the horrors of cancer when you can cuddle a precious little vinyl skinned collectible baby doll? And look, her mouth is wide open, as if ready to nurse. So she has a vested interest in healthy breasts. Crawl for the cause; crap for the cure.

If you really cared about finding a cure, maybe you should send your $129 straight to the Cancer Society instead of Ashton-Drake.

Hell's Amphibians

Ever wonder why there are so many dead frogs in the road? It's because they don't wear helmets. Duh! But they do wear leather, and studded cuff bracelets, and patriotic bandannas on their heads. And with those glassy eyes, he's got to be all hopped up on meth or something. I almost wish I had a biker friend so I would have an excuse to buy this thing.

Is It Time?

When you decide to hang a cute doggy or kitty cat on your wall, one with a plain clock in its midsection, a wagging tail, and oversized doe eyes, because you love your dog or cat sooo much, then it is time. Time to get a life.

Call Me Joe...Casual Joe

The best things in life aren't free. They're ten bucks. Seriously, why would anyone pay hundreds of dollars for designer jeans when you can get these babies, without even leaving the comfort of your Lazy Boy.

You know how your kid's jeans look so comfy, with that elastic waist and snap front? They seem designed for the bathroom emergency. Well, now you too can have convenient jeans in a bathroom emergency. Haband's Casual Joe's jeans come will a full 360 degrees of elastic, five traditional pockets, and are available in waist sizes 32 through 62. Now in extra-short seams! get yours today, before your waist is a 68.

Granny Needs a New Bidet

But how to get one? Granny is on a fixed income. She can't wipe her own ass, and cannot afford to pay a Jamaican to do it for her. Maybe this creepy looking dude will do it. Oh, wait, it's toilet seat! It washes you clean, how about that? Grandma might not understand how it works, but she knows her corn hole will be shiny clean, and she doesn't even have to muss her hands.

Can you think of a better way to restore Granny's independence and dignity (after she admits to having trouble wiping?) Treat her to one today, and maybe if you're lucky, she'll leave it to you in her will.

What Time is It?

This overly sweet, sentimental watch seems like a great gift for any mom. But what if she has vision problems? Or Alzheimer's? No numbers plus all the children's names could confuse even the sharpest of mamas:

You: Hey Mom, what time is it?
Mom: Um, half past Jennifer.
You: You always liked Jennifer better than me.

Then again, if your mom is anything like mine, then maybe it will remind her that she even has children. Kind of like a string tied around a finger, only more obvious.

Mom: I keep feeling like I am forgetting something. Oh yeah, I have children. And looky, these are their names.

So think carefully before you throw down your Benjamin on this piece of crap, because this time, it's personal.

GWTW in 3-D: Glasses Not Included

This is the perfect gift for someone who loves "Gone With the Wind," but has the attention span of the flea. Instead of sitting through hours of the film, one can just look at the scenes displayed on the skirt of the figurine. And if you get the whole set, and juggle them, it will be just like watching the movie. Each figurine is hand painted by Indonesian children who will be lucky to have a grain of rice and a fish head for all their hard work. You don't want those Indonesian children to starve, do you? So order yours today!

Tea for Eww

Normally, I am disgusted by finding a cat hair in my cup. But two lovey kittens, canoodling in a Thomas Kindcaide, Painter of Light, pink tea cup? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Vurp! From the delicate heart shaped handle to the tiny little cutesy size, this thing is so sweet you'll test positive for Type II Diabetes. This would make the perfect gift for my ex-step-grandmother, who used to wipe her cat's asshole clean after a trip to the litterbox. Ahh, the memories...no wonder this collectible is so magical.

I Tawt I Taw A Piece of Crap

Do you love Tweety Bird? How about premature babies? If so, then you will go crazy over Tweety Sweeties, the collectible series of premature babies wearing authentic fine Tweety Bird artwork. And by artwork, I mean an iron-on heat transfer. Don't stop at one; get the whole collection. Some of them even have their eyes open. So they can watch your slow descent into insanity.

The South Will Rise Again?

Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't the Confederate side lose? Do we really need a complete set of generals who led their men to defeat? But it's the sesquicentennial, so who cares? The weird part, as if there were only one weird part, is that it doesn't say how many generals are in this collection. But it does come with a nifty little authentic parchment reproduction of Lee's map and a little book. I don't know if the free gifts are to scale for the fine collectible or to be enjoyed by you, the adult collector.

And no, they do not take Confederate dollars, so don't ask.

Honey, You Are My Shining Star

I have two daughters, and they love crappy jewelry, but even they would prefer I give them $100 to this necklace. Then again, neither of them are big Manhattans fans. Now, if it actually lit up, that would be another story...

Fly for the Cure

You would think fairies would have enough to worry about, with all their flitting around and general mischief making. But this fairy can take time out from her busy fairy schedule to promote awareness about breast cancer. After all, fairies have boobies too. A portion of the proceeds goes to support breast cancer something, maybe research, who knows? Maybe the fairy knows. Maybe if you really care about stopping breast cancer, you should send your money to an actual normal cancer research foundation.

Then again, I doubt they would give you a nifty fairy. Certainly not one with a butterfly mask and heavy metal suede boots. Too bad this mystical warrior can't sprinkle her fairy dust all over breast lumps and magically make them disappear. Or can she?

Thanks to Jeanine H. for this submission.

Masterfully Crapped

American by design, but imported from God knows where. My money is on China. This five inch sculpture would make a great gift for the person who has everything, or maybe for the person who has nothing. Here's how it would go:

A: Here you go!

B: Gee, thanks. What is it?

A: It's a glass tiger!

B: How can you tell?

A: See, it has stripes! It's art glass. Very dramatic.

B: I thought it was a ring holder. Or a chopstick rest. Or a little can opener, maybe.

A: Well, I suppose you could use it like any of those. But it is really a treasure, capturing the beauty of the world's largest cat. See its power?

B: If you say so. I'm not a big collector of tiger art glass.

A: You are now!

No More Excuses

I have been saying for years that I didn't want a dog because I didn't want to pick up one more creature's poop. I guess now I don't have to.

On the one side, I don't think I could proudly walk my dog knowing that it was wearing an ass harness with a plastic bag over its anus. How humiliating, for both the dog and owner. I can't imagine a dog wearing a bag of shit. I would think it would stop walking and chew through it. And does it use any old ziploc snack bag, or are there special ass bags that come with it?

On the other side, look at how big those dog's balls look. That harness really showcases his dog junk.

Thanks to Beth D. for her submission.

Regrets?

This is one of those times when my first thought is so horrible I hesitate to share it. So instead, I will go in this direction:

What does it say about you when you think having a 3 inch newborn baby to carry around and tuck into its little pillow or show off depending on your whim? At that size, you can take it with you where ever you go, bingo night, the Dollar General, or therapy. With your sweet little newborn in your palm, you might be able to talk about what brought you to that place where you thought owning an All Snuggled Up newborn pocket baby would bring you happiness and fulfillment.

Good luck!

Thanks to Jeanine H. for this submission.

Rescue Me

These toys, er, collectibles are kind of cool to look at. Their little doors open. Their little wheels are made of real rubber. But to the rescue? I don't think so. Ford hasn't rescued anything in a long time. Is it any wonder they don't have a little collectible Ford Pinto?

For My Peeps

Remember when we just ate our Peeps? They were chicks or bunnies, and they came in a couple of colors, and you ate two or three of them and left the open box in the pantry until you threw them out on Halloween.

Then Peeps went big time. Why just Easter, when there are other holidays throughout the year to exploit? Halloween Peeps, Christmas peeps, even St Patrick's Peeps. Any holiday is an occasion to eat, and if you're eating, why not abnormally brightly colored marshmallows coated in sugar?

But Peeps, you've reached the big time now. Lenox has immortalized you in fine china and 24 karat gold. Let's hope Granny doesn't chip a tooth on you when she is supposed to be passing the salt.

++++++++++++

And if you really want to take your Easter to new heights, why not indulge in a matching Egg Cup? Because when you take a break from your chocolate bunny and hot cross buns, you might want to indulge in an old fashioned soft boiled egg. But, how to, without the proper equipment?

Buy This or Someone Will Die

We can walk for the cure. We can run for the cure. We can ride for the cure and race for the cure. And now, you can "Paws" for the cure as well.

Normally this where I would say something snarky about the dog. But honestly, I can't do it nearly the justice that its own fine print does. So here goes:

"Everyone knows breast cancer is nothing to bark about. That's why this adorable pup is ready to lend a helping 'paw' in the crusade to find a cure." This "cute little sculptural Yorkie" is going to "sniff out a cure." She is wearing "an inspiring charm conveying 'hope.'" And her blank stare "is sure to instill hope in the hearts of all!" But go ahead and order it, because "I need send no money now."

That's a tall order for a 3 1/2 inch piece of dog crap, don't you think?

Yo, Philly!

Nothing says love like a big hunk of quartz. Especially one that says love, spelled out like that statue in Philadelpia. Close enough.

Don't you want to dazzle her? Romance her? Surprise her? Trust me, when she takes a good look at this, she will be surprised.

Thanks to Jeanine H. for this submission.

Yes, We Can...But Should We?

Finally, we have proof that Obama was born in the US of A. Looky here, he's a baby, and he's wearing an American flag. Case closed.

Who doesn't delight in imagining the Prez as a creepy little baby? He's so adorable, Madonna and Angelina would fight to adopt him....if he were African, that is.

And Babama is complete with change you can believe in. And by that, I mean his little diaper. At $149.99, though, he might put you in debt, just like he's doing for the national one.

No, It is the Age

What better way to tell everyone you are post-menopausal than this piece of crap? But I would think twice if I were you about ordering it, because you know your cats will eat those real feathers and boa.

Baby Beefcake

He might be ready to put out a fire, but he has definitely mastered his calendar posing. With his near nudity and come hither eyes, this little guy makes a great gift for both the lonely grandma and the pedophile. And yes, in case you are wondering, he is anatomically correct. At $39.99, this little man-child will be gone before you can say 'Backdraft." How hot is that?

Free Willy

Poor Tillikum. First he is framed for the deaths of three humans. And now this. No wonder he has it out for the human race.

When you order this scratcher, it comes with a dime bag of catnap so your cat can get freaky on Orca's ass. They have a human-sized one for sale in California, with a prescription.

The Wearing of the Green

How exactly is this Irish? I can see the prayer part, with the cross and all. And it does have four precious emeralds, which are green, but Irish? Even the fine print doesn't really explain it.

Maybe the Concorde Collection is assuming the Irish are so drunk they won't notice. Or maybe they think that mass producing a cheap ring with green stones and advertising it so close to St. Patrick's Day makes it a must-have for any Irish person's of faith holiday trinket collection. Please let us know if you feel comforted and inspired.

Let Your True Colors Fly!

Normally your neighbors would never know what a sad reclusive life you lead. But with this collection of kitty holiday flags, you can put your pathetic existence on display for everyone to see and ridicule. You are the crazy cat lady, and you have the yard art to prove it.

These flags are as informative as they are decorative. If a bad smell comes from your domicile, the neighbors will know to call the authorities before your kitties feast on your corpse. Unless the leprechaun kitty is still flying in August, in which case, it is too late to really matter.

Ride 'Em, Cowboys!

With its genuine leather and stylish Western tooling, this belt is a great way to look stylish and rustic, whether you wear it around your waist to hitch up your britches or around your neck while you auto-erotically asphyxiate.

The Gospel According to Kinkade

Anyone else wonder why his last name starts with Kink? Maybe it has to do with his perverse exploitation of Christians.

Was there a woman in Nebraska who was thinking, I would really like to wear a pair of gold-plated hoops, but they don't reflect my blind belief in God and my strong faith? And in swoops The Kink, with a solution for the true believer. As an added bonus, they have genuine diamonds, shining from the center of the cross like the North Star. In case you lose your way...

Where Wolf?

Let's see if we can come up with 5 comments:

1. There's a severed wolf head in her dream catcher. Hey, that thing really works!
2. 9 rotating joints? Is there really a need for a fine collectible that you can bend over the couch?
3. This is made of faux suede and collector-quality vinyl, but real feathers. Is that because we care more about eagles than buffaloes?
4. Do not order if your house is located atop an ancient Indian burial ground.
5. Werewolf? Oh, that's where, in her eyeballs.

Thanks to Nina D. for this submission.

Only 301 More Days

For about twenty bucks, you could just buy the DVD, but it doesn't come with a nifty little train.

Dressy Casual

I would never pay $79 for one flip flop, even if it is encrusted with Swarovski crystals. Not even if it was sterling silver and had tiny little footprints on it. Not even for my granddaughter, not that I have one. Not even if it came with a poem about my relationship with the Lord. Wait, what?

Thanks to Nina D. for this submission.

The King of Bikes?

This is the first ever sculpted Budweiser bike, which must mean there are more to come. But you don't want to wait, because nothing "captures the thrill of cruising down the open highway" like a beer bike. A must have for every Mom Against Drunk Driving on your gift list. Traumatic brain injury and tiny DUI citation not included.

Funky Fresh

Kids won't love him. Kids will fear him. Put him near the bedroom door and your children will be guaranteed to stay in their beds, staring all night into his bright eyes. And fyi, Funky Frog, kids also need numbers on their clocks to be able to tell time.

Back Door Donut

Anyone hungry enough for a donut with an asshole? I don't know whether it wants to be wiped, licked, or have a finger stuffed inside it. But I do know one thing. There is no way I am eating it.

"I Melt for No One"

Who doesn't have room for one of these "Heavenly Handfuls?" Seriously, it's only six inches long. I wanted to say something funny about it, but instead I will quote from the small print:" Tiny enough to carry along with you to give you a delightful boost on the toughest day." Most of us would rather just have a bag of M&M's. If carrying around a newborn doll dressed in a candy themed onsie is what brightens your spirits, your life is even more pathetic than you realized.

Wear It With Pride

Senior pride. Like gay pride, only older.

The Best of Both Worlds

Why buy the cheap Mattel version when you can have this one for $149.99? It's a full 16 inches tall and full posable, so it will fit nicely in your rectum, if that's where you choose to shove it. It even comes with a change of hair and outfit, so you can have either Hannah or Miley tucked up there. One to wear, one to share.

Recycled Crap

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kermit think it wasn't easy being green? Maybe he didn't know about global warming when he thought that. If you take an icon, cover him in sparkly things, and have him make an arm shelf on a globe, then clearly, it's all about the environment. The only recycling this pendant will do is when you regift it to the cleaning lady. Except at $99, she might prefer a gift card to Target. I know I would.

Slim Slam Flim Flam

I don't know why anyone would spend thousands of dollars on a tummy tuck when the 'Lipo' Tummy Shaper exists for a mere $16.97. But how does it work? It must be all those hundreds of Bio Ceramic Dots for 'Far InfraRed' Weight Loss! It also promotes healing after third degree burns. Look great while you recover!

They Came Upon a Midnight Clear

Why is it that snow only lasts in the winter? Wouldn't it be great if we could have snowmen all year round? Wouldn't it be even better if we could celebrate all the year's holidays with them, with no fear of melting? These delightful snowmen are the creation of acclaimed snowman artist Lynn Bywaters, to which I say, acclaimed snowman artist? Really? Yes, really, because, and I quote, "Snowmen love Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and Halloween too!" Who knew snowmen could feel, be sentimental, or patriotic? They have more depth than the frozen water with which they are made. Rock on, Snowmen of the Month Collection!

Fishin' for a Good Deal?

This creepy little doll is a mere four and a half inches, and a bargain at $39.99. That's roughly ten bucks an inch. You might have to buy it because the voices tell you to, or maybe because those little crocs are so cute you want to punch your granny.

My Other Necklace is a Cross

Not sure what this necklace has to do with faith, or a journey, for that matter, but it looks just like a Mother's Day necklace. Or possibly a subtly gay-friendly rainbow pendant. Wait, I know what it has to do with faith. It comes with an inspirational card. Wow, now that $99 price tag makes sense. Amen.

Second Skin

It's a good thing it's faux shearling, because an animal wearing another animal's skin is just creepy. Last time that happened was in "The Silence of the Lambs."

For Those Hard to Reach Places

Think of all the wonderful ways you can use this thing beyond the dryer. At home high colonics and ectopic pregnancy removals are just the beginning. Also makes a great gift for the morbidly obese and sexually deviant.

I Want to Be Just Like 88

Only 5 easy payments of $25.99! You might not ever be a real NASCAR driver, but at least you can own a doll with a big head that is dressed like a real NASCAR driver. Close enough. Note: This is not a toy nor a retirement plan.

Who Buys This Crap?

I have been looking through coupons and ads in the Sunday paper for years, and have wondered forever who in their right mind would buy this stuff? Weird little preemie dolls, an endless supply of Christmas knick-knacks, jewelry with hidden messages, clothing designed for comfort and convenience rather than quality and appearance. But every week, without fail, new products are offered to replace the ads from the week before. Someone somewhere is buying this stuff, and in sufficient numbers to keep the Bradford Exchange and the Franklin Mint in business.

So, for those of you who are trying to find that gift for that special someone, or, like me, just enjoy the fine print, I happily present to you...CRAPERRIFIC.COM, the website dedicated to all the crappy things you can buy, usually with a minimum charge for shipping and handling. Read, comment, enjoy, but whatever you do, don't send it to me.