Pop the Top

"Mom, what's for dinner?"

"I don't know. Why not look in the pantry for a sandwich?"

If only it were that easy...well, now it is! Who wants to mess with all that bread, taking out a knife, spreading the peanut butter, licking off the knife, then spreading the jelly, slapping the bread together. Ugh, so many steps! Now, it's just a matter of pulling the pop top, and poof! Sandwich time! Why, Mom will be positively obsolete!

Of course, you still have to chew it, but maybe a premasticated version of Candwich will be available soon. So why just have a sandwich, when you could have a Candwich?

(Thanks to Tom C. for this submission.)

The Final Solution

Snoring can be caused by any number of things: sleep apnea, a deviated septum, obesity, sinus problems, you name it. But I bet you never thought the answer was right in your underwear drawer. That's right, all you need is a thong on your chin, and you will sleep like a baby, or maybe like a satisfied panty sniffer after a happy ending.

Forget that uncomfortable C-PAP machine! Throw away your Breathe Right strips! Cancel that rhinoplasty! Drop your panties, hook them on your ears, and get ready for a quiet and restful night's sleep.

But don't order yours today for $89.97. Victoria's Secret has the same thing right now, 5 for $25. Some to wear, some to share. Sleep tight!

Squeaking or Stuffing?

Why would a dog want to play with a stuffing-free toy? Isn't that the fun? Ripping its innards out? Isn't that like finally knocking a hole in a pinata and finding no candy? If they aren't going to stuff it, the least they could do is make it smell like a dead animal.

On the plus side, it does come with two squeakers, so it is "double the fun!" Flippy fox and Rascally Raccoon can be played with inside or out, since they are machine washable. Watch Mom freak out when she pulls the wet load out of the tub!

At only ten bucks, it's practically free. Not as free as destroying one of the thousands of stuffed animals already in your home, but close enough.

Because You Give A Crap

When you look at a baby all sweet, dressed in pink, do you think breast cancer? Well, now you do! Seriously, why picture the horrors of cancer when you can cuddle a precious little vinyl skinned collectible baby doll? And look, her mouth is wide open, as if ready to nurse. So she has a vested interest in healthy breasts. Crawl for the cause; crap for the cure.

If you really cared about finding a cure, maybe you should send your $129 straight to the Cancer Society instead of Ashton-Drake.

Hell's Amphibians

Ever wonder why there are so many dead frogs in the road? It's because they don't wear helmets. Duh! But they do wear leather, and studded cuff bracelets, and patriotic bandannas on their heads. And with those glassy eyes, he's got to be all hopped up on meth or something. I almost wish I had a biker friend so I would have an excuse to buy this thing.

Is It Time?

When you decide to hang a cute doggy or kitty cat on your wall, one with a plain clock in its midsection, a wagging tail, and oversized doe eyes, because you love your dog or cat sooo much, then it is time. Time to get a life.

Call Me Joe...Casual Joe

The best things in life aren't free. They're ten bucks. Seriously, why would anyone pay hundreds of dollars for designer jeans when you can get these babies, without even leaving the comfort of your Lazy Boy.

You know how your kid's jeans look so comfy, with that elastic waist and snap front? They seem designed for the bathroom emergency. Well, now you too can have convenient jeans in a bathroom emergency. Haband's Casual Joe's jeans come will a full 360 degrees of elastic, five traditional pockets, and are available in waist sizes 32 through 62. Now in extra-short seams! get yours today, before your waist is a 68.