Is It Time?

When you decide to hang a cute doggy or kitty cat on your wall, one with a plain clock in its midsection, a wagging tail, and oversized doe eyes, because you love your dog or cat sooo much, then it is time. Time to get a life.

Call Me Joe...Casual Joe

The best things in life aren't free. They're ten bucks. Seriously, why would anyone pay hundreds of dollars for designer jeans when you can get these babies, without even leaving the comfort of your Lazy Boy.

You know how your kid's jeans look so comfy, with that elastic waist and snap front? They seem designed for the bathroom emergency. Well, now you too can have convenient jeans in a bathroom emergency. Haband's Casual Joe's jeans come will a full 360 degrees of elastic, five traditional pockets, and are available in waist sizes 32 through 62. Now in extra-short seams! get yours today, before your waist is a 68.

Granny Needs a New Bidet

But how to get one? Granny is on a fixed income. She can't wipe her own ass, and cannot afford to pay a Jamaican to do it for her. Maybe this creepy looking dude will do it. Oh, wait, it's toilet seat! It washes you clean, how about that? Grandma might not understand how it works, but she knows her corn hole will be shiny clean, and she doesn't even have to muss her hands.

Can you think of a better way to restore Granny's independence and dignity (after she admits to having trouble wiping?) Treat her to one today, and maybe if you're lucky, she'll leave it to you in her will.

What Time is It?

This overly sweet, sentimental watch seems like a great gift for any mom. But what if she has vision problems? Or Alzheimer's? No numbers plus all the children's names could confuse even the sharpest of mamas:

You: Hey Mom, what time is it?
Mom: Um, half past Jennifer.
You: You always liked Jennifer better than me.

Then again, if your mom is anything like mine, then maybe it will remind her that she even has children. Kind of like a string tied around a finger, only more obvious.

Mom: I keep feeling like I am forgetting something. Oh yeah, I have children. And looky, these are their names.

So think carefully before you throw down your Benjamin on this piece of crap, because this time, it's personal.

GWTW in 3-D: Glasses Not Included

This is the perfect gift for someone who loves "Gone With the Wind," but has the attention span of the flea. Instead of sitting through hours of the film, one can just look at the scenes displayed on the skirt of the figurine. And if you get the whole set, and juggle them, it will be just like watching the movie. Each figurine is hand painted by Indonesian children who will be lucky to have a grain of rice and a fish head for all their hard work. You don't want those Indonesian children to starve, do you? So order yours today!

Tea for Eww

Normally, I am disgusted by finding a cat hair in my cup. But two lovey kittens, canoodling in a Thomas Kindcaide, Painter of Light, pink tea cup? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Vurp! From the delicate heart shaped handle to the tiny little cutesy size, this thing is so sweet you'll test positive for Type II Diabetes. This would make the perfect gift for my ex-step-grandmother, who used to wipe her cat's asshole clean after a trip to the litterbox. Ahh, the memories...no wonder this collectible is so magical.

I Tawt I Taw A Piece of Crap

Do you love Tweety Bird? How about premature babies? If so, then you will go crazy over Tweety Sweeties, the collectible series of premature babies wearing authentic fine Tweety Bird artwork. And by artwork, I mean an iron-on heat transfer. Don't stop at one; get the whole collection. Some of them even have their eyes open. So they can watch your slow descent into insanity.