Buy This or Someone Will Die

We can walk for the cure. We can run for the cure. We can ride for the cure and race for the cure. And now, you can "Paws" for the cure as well.

Normally this where I would say something snarky about the dog. But honestly, I can't do it nearly the justice that its own fine print does. So here goes:

"Everyone knows breast cancer is nothing to bark about. That's why this adorable pup is ready to lend a helping 'paw' in the crusade to find a cure." This "cute little sculptural Yorkie" is going to "sniff out a cure." She is wearing "an inspiring charm conveying 'hope.'" And her blank stare "is sure to instill hope in the hearts of all!" But go ahead and order it, because "I need send no money now."

That's a tall order for a 3 1/2 inch piece of dog crap, don't you think?

Yo, Philly!

Nothing says love like a big hunk of quartz. Especially one that says love, spelled out like that statue in Philadelpia. Close enough.

Don't you want to dazzle her? Romance her? Surprise her? Trust me, when she takes a good look at this, she will be surprised.

Thanks to Jeanine H. for this submission.

Yes, We Can...But Should We?

Finally, we have proof that Obama was born in the US of A. Looky here, he's a baby, and he's wearing an American flag. Case closed.

Who doesn't delight in imagining the Prez as a creepy little baby? He's so adorable, Madonna and Angelina would fight to adopt him....if he were African, that is.

And Babama is complete with change you can believe in. And by that, I mean his little diaper. At $149.99, though, he might put you in debt, just like he's doing for the national one.

No, It is the Age

What better way to tell everyone you are post-menopausal than this piece of crap? But I would think twice if I were you about ordering it, because you know your cats will eat those real feathers and boa.

Baby Beefcake

He might be ready to put out a fire, but he has definitely mastered his calendar posing. With his near nudity and come hither eyes, this little guy makes a great gift for both the lonely grandma and the pedophile. And yes, in case you are wondering, he is anatomically correct. At $39.99, this little man-child will be gone before you can say 'Backdraft." How hot is that?

Free Willy

Poor Tillikum. First he is framed for the deaths of three humans. And now this. No wonder he has it out for the human race.

When you order this scratcher, it comes with a dime bag of catnap so your cat can get freaky on Orca's ass. They have a human-sized one for sale in California, with a prescription.

The Wearing of the Green

How exactly is this Irish? I can see the prayer part, with the cross and all. And it does have four precious emeralds, which are green, but Irish? Even the fine print doesn't really explain it.

Maybe the Concorde Collection is assuming the Irish are so drunk they won't notice. Or maybe they think that mass producing a cheap ring with green stones and advertising it so close to St. Patrick's Day makes it a must-have for any Irish person's of faith holiday trinket collection. Please let us know if you feel comforted and inspired.

Let Your True Colors Fly!

Normally your neighbors would never know what a sad reclusive life you lead. But with this collection of kitty holiday flags, you can put your pathetic existence on display for everyone to see and ridicule. You are the crazy cat lady, and you have the yard art to prove it.

These flags are as informative as they are decorative. If a bad smell comes from your domicile, the neighbors will know to call the authorities before your kitties feast on your corpse. Unless the leprechaun kitty is still flying in August, in which case, it is too late to really matter.

Ride 'Em, Cowboys!

With its genuine leather and stylish Western tooling, this belt is a great way to look stylish and rustic, whether you wear it around your waist to hitch up your britches or around your neck while you auto-erotically asphyxiate.

The Gospel According to Kinkade

Anyone else wonder why his last name starts with Kink? Maybe it has to do with his perverse exploitation of Christians.

Was there a woman in Nebraska who was thinking, I would really like to wear a pair of gold-plated hoops, but they don't reflect my blind belief in God and my strong faith? And in swoops The Kink, with a solution for the true believer. As an added bonus, they have genuine diamonds, shining from the center of the cross like the North Star. In case you lose your way...

Where Wolf?

Let's see if we can come up with 5 comments:

1. There's a severed wolf head in her dream catcher. Hey, that thing really works!
2. 9 rotating joints? Is there really a need for a fine collectible that you can bend over the couch?
3. This is made of faux suede and collector-quality vinyl, but real feathers. Is that because we care more about eagles than buffaloes?
4. Do not order if your house is located atop an ancient Indian burial ground.
5. Werewolf? Oh, that's where, in her eyeballs.

Thanks to Nina D. for this submission.