Only 301 More Days

For about twenty bucks, you could just buy the DVD, but it doesn't come with a nifty little train.

Dressy Casual

I would never pay $79 for one flip flop, even if it is encrusted with Swarovski crystals. Not even if it was sterling silver and had tiny little footprints on it. Not even for my granddaughter, not that I have one. Not even if it came with a poem about my relationship with the Lord. Wait, what?

Thanks to Nina D. for this submission.

The King of Bikes?

This is the first ever sculpted Budweiser bike, which must mean there are more to come. But you don't want to wait, because nothing "captures the thrill of cruising down the open highway" like a beer bike. A must have for every Mom Against Drunk Driving on your gift list. Traumatic brain injury and tiny DUI citation not included.

Funky Fresh

Kids won't love him. Kids will fear him. Put him near the bedroom door and your children will be guaranteed to stay in their beds, staring all night into his bright eyes. And fyi, Funky Frog, kids also need numbers on their clocks to be able to tell time.

Back Door Donut

Anyone hungry enough for a donut with an asshole? I don't know whether it wants to be wiped, licked, or have a finger stuffed inside it. But I do know one thing. There is no way I am eating it.

"I Melt for No One"

Who doesn't have room for one of these "Heavenly Handfuls?" Seriously, it's only six inches long. I wanted to say something funny about it, but instead I will quote from the small print:" Tiny enough to carry along with you to give you a delightful boost on the toughest day." Most of us would rather just have a bag of M&M's. If carrying around a newborn doll dressed in a candy themed onsie is what brightens your spirits, your life is even more pathetic than you realized.

Wear It With Pride

Senior pride. Like gay pride, only older.

The Best of Both Worlds

Why buy the cheap Mattel version when you can have this one for $149.99? It's a full 16 inches tall and full posable, so it will fit nicely in your rectum, if that's where you choose to shove it. It even comes with a change of hair and outfit, so you can have either Hannah or Miley tucked up there. One to wear, one to share.

Recycled Crap

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kermit think it wasn't easy being green? Maybe he didn't know about global warming when he thought that. If you take an icon, cover him in sparkly things, and have him make an arm shelf on a globe, then clearly, it's all about the environment. The only recycling this pendant will do is when you regift it to the cleaning lady. Except at $99, she might prefer a gift card to Target. I know I would.

Slim Slam Flim Flam

I don't know why anyone would spend thousands of dollars on a tummy tuck when the 'Lipo' Tummy Shaper exists for a mere $16.97. But how does it work? It must be all those hundreds of Bio Ceramic Dots for 'Far InfraRed' Weight Loss! It also promotes healing after third degree burns. Look great while you recover!

They Came Upon a Midnight Clear

Why is it that snow only lasts in the winter? Wouldn't it be great if we could have snowmen all year round? Wouldn't it be even better if we could celebrate all the year's holidays with them, with no fear of melting? These delightful snowmen are the creation of acclaimed snowman artist Lynn Bywaters, to which I say, acclaimed snowman artist? Really? Yes, really, because, and I quote, "Snowmen love Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and Halloween too!" Who knew snowmen could feel, be sentimental, or patriotic? They have more depth than the frozen water with which they are made. Rock on, Snowmen of the Month Collection!

Fishin' for a Good Deal?

This creepy little doll is a mere four and a half inches, and a bargain at $39.99. That's roughly ten bucks an inch. You might have to buy it because the voices tell you to, or maybe because those little crocs are so cute you want to punch your granny.

My Other Necklace is a Cross

Not sure what this necklace has to do with faith, or a journey, for that matter, but it looks just like a Mother's Day necklace. Or possibly a subtly gay-friendly rainbow pendant. Wait, I know what it has to do with faith. It comes with an inspirational card. Wow, now that $99 price tag makes sense. Amen.

Second Skin

It's a good thing it's faux shearling, because an animal wearing another animal's skin is just creepy. Last time that happened was in "The Silence of the Lambs."